WRITTEN by
You need to understand that a good relationship is
about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow
in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals. If someone
really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling
insecure is a natural and reasonable response. However, if you’re
actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…
Stop trying to read minds.
Most relationship problems and associated social
anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind
reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what
the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and
trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of
insecurity and stress.
If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean
something else. If they say nothing
at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.
Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. Say
what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the
information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.
It’s also important to remember that you aren’t
suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the
people closest to you. When you stop trying to read their minds, you
really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the
right to think private thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?”
can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space. (Read Getting the Love You Want.)
Stop looking for perfect relationships.
You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly
seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be
perfect. Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you
feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up
to your fantasy of perfection.
We’re all seeking those special relationships that
feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin
to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors
of imperfect ones. That’s because we are all imperfect in some way.
You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with
people who are imperfect in complementary ways.
It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into
yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run
up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that
truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious
relationships. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.
You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly
imperfect people for you.
Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.
Think about those times when you passed an unfair
judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past
who treated you poorly. Sadly, some people pass judgments like these
throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships. Simply
because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest,
or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to
them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and
supportive.
If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships
of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed
structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been
making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one
from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities
of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present
relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old
bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present
possibilities.
Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.
Inventing problems in our mind and then believing
them is a clear path to self-sabotage. Too often we amuse ourselves with
anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately
live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios. We overlook
everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.
When you invent problems in your relationships, your
relationships ultimately suffer. Insecurity is often the culprit.
If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on
any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the
insecurity issues that weigh you down.
The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to
drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is
not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting
of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending
collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they
have invented in their mind represents reality.
What you need to realize is that there are normal
idiosyncrasies to any relationship. There are ups and downs and mood
changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction.
These ups and downs are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and
intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no
driver.
Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself
stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath.
Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my
mind.” Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is
actually happening in your life is an important step towards
self-confidence. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
Stop focusing on the negatives.
There’s no such thing as a perfect
relationship. Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be.
Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful. The quality of the
happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance,
and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. It’s how
two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that
make it ideal.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept
everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you. But it does mean that if there
are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to
the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so
distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person
questions your intentions.
No meaningful relationship will always work
flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the quality and
health of a relationship spells trouble. There will always be
difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure
people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their
relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.
Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people
in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful
places. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and
encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they
can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.
0 comments:
Post a Comment