WRITTEN by
“Last night I lost the world, and gained the
universe.”
―C. JoyBell C.
Even after you let go, the past is still part of who you
are. Every one of us lives in the present and makes choices based on some
part of the past. This fact is simply unavoidable. You are only
able to read these words right now because of your past. Your brain
relates past experiences (or learned knowledge) to these words.
All forms of learning rely on your ability to
continually reference the past. If you think about it, many wise
decisions you have made leading to this very moment were created through
recalling what did or did not work in the past. You are only able to do
what you can now because of what you learned. For instance, you only
recognize a friend when she walks into the room because you reference a past
connection with her. In this way, you are using the past effectively.
But when you start behaving ineffectively
because you think, “this is the way it has always been,” problems arise.
Old traditions may be useful, or they may stifle your progress and
growth. It all depends on how relevant they are to the present.
It’s your job to make this determination.
We talk about letting go of the past and
moving on, but what do we really need to leave behind? Since the past
helps us at least as much as it hurts us, how do we know which pieces to
discard?
Here are some things I have learned that have
helped me:
1. You are subconsciously matching
patterns from the past with the present.
When an experience in your life has emotional
significance, it gets tagged in your brain as being important. When the
emotional experience is tragic, it triggers your brain’s fear mechanism, which
tells your brain to remain on the lookout for any future conditions that
vaguely remind you of this tragic experience (it does this to protect you from
future harm). Your brain then tries to match new experiences with the
original one. But depending on how emotionally attached you are to the
original experience, it can lead to ‘false pattern matches’ which will
inevitably lead you astray.
For example:
·
A
muscular man assaulted you, so now you find it hard to trust all muscular men.
·
An old
boss verbally harassed you, so now you have trouble respecting a totally new
boss or different authoritative figure.
·
Etc.
Again, these false pattern matches occur
whenever you respond negatively and over-emotionally to a particular
experience. And it all happens subconsciously too. Logically, you
know that all muscular men are completely different human beings, but
emotionally you respond as if they are one.
If you feel that you are stuck because you can’t move beyond a past experience, then your brain is relating to
it as if it’s still happening right now, which means it’s matching patterns
improperly in the present. Here’s a two-step solution that might help:
1. Ask yourself: “What specific past experience and
associated feelings do my current feelings remind me of?” Dig deep and be
honest with yourself.
2. Once you have determined the origin of your current feelings,
list all the ways your current circumstances differ from the past (the original
experience) – this should include the places, people, and details that caused
you pain and discomfort. Review the differences over and over again until
you have them completely memorized. This should help you realize and
remember that circumstances have indeed changed. (Read Thinking, Fast and Slow
.)
2. Your subconscious mind forgets that
your capabilities have grown.
Zookeepers typically strap a thin metal chain
to a grown elephant’s leg, and then attach the other end to a small wooden peg
that’s hammered into the ground. The 10-foot tall, 10,000-pound elephant
could easily snap the chain and uproot the wooden peg, and escape to freedom
with minimal effort. But it doesn’t. In fact, the elephant never
even tries. The world’s most powerful land animal, which can uproot a
tree as easily as you could break a toothpick, remains defeated by a small
wooden peg and a flimsy chain.
Why?
Because when the elephant was a baby, its
trainers used the exact same methods to domesticate it. A thin chain was
strapped around its leg and the other end of the chain was tied to a wooden peg
in the ground. At the time, the chain and peg were strong enough to
restrain the baby elephant. When it tried to break away, the metal chain
would pull it back. Sometimes, tempted by the world it could see in the
distance, the elephant would pull harder. But the chain would not budge,
and soon the baby elephant realized trying to escape was not possible. So
it stopped trying.
And now that the elephant is all grown up, it
sees the chain and the peg and it remembers what it learned as a baby – the
chain and peg are impossible to escape. Of course, this is no longer
true, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that the 200-pound baby is
now a 10,000-pound powerhouse. The elephant’s self-limiting beliefs
prevail.
If you think about it, we are all like
elephants. We all have incredible power inside us. And of course,
we have our own chains and pegs – the self-limiting beliefs that hold us
back. Sometimes it’s a childhood experience or an early failure.
Sometimes it’s something we were told when we were younger. We need to learn
from the past, but be ready to update what we learned based on how our
circumstances have changed (as they constantly do).
Here are two things to consider:
·
If you
suspect you are currently living your life (or parts of it) through the
conditioning of self-limiting beliefs you developed in the past, remind yourself of what is
different now in terms of circumstances and your own capabilities. What
has changed?
·
Examine
what you have learned from past adversity that can actually help you now.
Rather than just regretting stuff, question specifically how it has helped you
grow. Has your past equipped you to be determined, self-reliant, perceptive,
tough, aware, compassionate, etc.? Focus on what you have gained rather
than lost from adverse past experiences.
3. Progress of any kind feels
uncomfortable at first.
Nothing starts easy; everything begins at
some level of difficulty. Even waking up in the morning sometimes
requires notable effort. But one beautiful thing about life is the fact
that the most difficult challenges are often the most rewarding and satisfying
in the long run.
The really tough job interviews that lead to
huge career advancements. The first few awkward words exchanged on first
dates that lead to successful relationships. The excruciating training
that leads hopeful Olympians to gold medal placements. None of these
successful outcomes started from a place of comfort and ease.
Far too many people are fearful of the
unknown, comfy with putting in the least amount of effort, and not willing to
put up with short-term pain for long-term gain. Don’t be one of them –
you know better than that. You know that growth and progress require
discomfort. Every time you stretch your emotional, intellectual, and
physical muscle groups, discomfort arises just before progress is made.
In all walks of life, by committing to
continuous, small uncomfortable steps forward, you are able to sidestep the
biggest barrier to positive change: Fear.
Also, remember that growth begins at the end
of your comfort zone. Not only is it important to accept the discomfort
of taking steps forward, it is also necessary to let go of comfortable routines
and situations from the past. Holding on to the way things were, prevents
you from growing into who you are now, and who you are capable of being.
4. The past did not provide your only
opportunity for happiness.
Reminiscing about great past times is always
a pleasure, so long as reviewing these past times is not used as a way of
emphasizing how terrible the present is by contrast. If you start living
in the past to such a great extent that the opportunities in the present are
ignored, you have a problem. For instance, if you don’t even give a
potential new partner a chance simply because you “know” they could never live
up to your perfect lover from the past… this is a huge warning sign.
Feeling that the past was a golden age of
seamless perfection – a time of infinite happiness – is not an accurate
assessment of reality. Comparing this idealized retrospection with the
present can lead you to believe the present can never be a happy place, thus
preventing you from enjoying the moment and looking forward to the next.
Here are two practices that might be helpful:
·
To help
you feel better about specific situations in the present, you might close your
eyes, relax, and focus on a wonderful past time, and then imagine yourself
drifting into the present with all those good feelings from the past.
These things did happen and they are worth celebrating. This can help you
actually use the positive points from the past rather than bemoan their
passing.
·
Look for
any ways that the present might actually be better than the past, however
slight. Even if it’s simply that you have learned from the past and are
now in a better place to make future decisions.
The bottom line is that life needs to
continue right up until the moment you die. If at a certain point all you
do is look back, you have, in effect, stopped living. You need to resist
the trap of believing the past was so perfect that the present cannot be
appreciated at all. (Read Authentic Happiness
.)
5. Nothing can be expected, and nothing
is indefinitely certain.
You need to understand that none of us are
playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Life
always finds its balance. Don’t expect to get back everything you
give. Don’t expect recognition for every effort you make. And don’t
expect your genius to be instantly recognized or your love to be understood by
everyone you encounter.
There are things you don’t want to happen,
but have to accept, things you don’t want to know, but have to learn, and
people and circumstances you can’t live without but have to let go. Some
things come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without
them.
As you live and experience things, you must
recognize what belongs and what doesn’t, what works and what doesn’t, and then let things go
when you know you should. Not out of pride, inability, or
arrogance, but simply because not everything is supposed to fit into your
life. So close the door on the past, change the tune, clean your inner
space, and get rid of the dust. Stop being who you once were so you can
become who you are today.
It’s time to open the next chapter of your
life.
Afterthoughts
Oftentimes letting go has nothing to do with
weakness, and everything to do with strength. We let go and move on with
our lives not because we want the friends, family, and the universe to realize
our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.
So stop focusing on the negatives and
everything that could go wrong, and start thinking of what could go
right. Better yet, think of everything that already is right. Be
thankful for nights that turned into mornings, friends that turned into family,
and past dreams and goals that turned into realities. And use this
mindset of positivity to fuel an even brighter today and tomorrow.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What
have you had to let go of, and what did it teach you? Please share your
insights with the community by leaving a comment below.
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